Hot Sun, Cold Wind
“It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.” ~Charles Dickens
Hot Sun, Cold Wind
I feel like this spring has been exactly that for me, the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold. It has been a month of quiet extremes. Triumphs and pain.
Calm, with great clouds looming in the distance, ready to unleash a heavy rain. Not in a dark way, but more in an uncertain way.
I try to always write from my heart, but sometimes, my heart doesn’t know what it wants to say.
The last month has literally flown by.
And with, has come some changes. Changes in my family. Things I am not ready to say (or write) out loud, but things that tear more than a little at my heart. Changes that will never be undone.
So when I sit down to write, I feel as though I am battling the truth that may spill over onto the screen. And that leaves me empty of words.
The words that are there, are words whose meaning I feel as though I am processing.
Words like family.
And, if I am allowed to say it, the word – God. The word forgiveness. The word grace.
There are certain truths around these words that are written on the soul. But there are unknowns.
What are all the cultural contexts we place on these words which are so central to our identity? Why are we so quick to allow these words to be the blame of our pain, or the source of our satisfaction? What happens when these words are not enough to describe all that they stand for? What happens when these words let us down?
In the last year I have had a lot of identity shifts. I have learned to be more fluid with these words, and more confident in the power that they have.
My faith, my relationships, my family. They have all grown and shifted and bear the stretch marks of change. There are marks that come with change that cannot be hidden.
Summer in the light, Winter in the shade
When we are standing in the light, each of these words are like a warm caress, easy on the tongue, quick to be the source of our joy.
When we stand in the shade, these words can become cold, they can become a weapon of our own intention. Bitter in our mouths, and quick to be the source of our pain.
Somewhere, enveloped between summer and winter, there is spring. In spring, as Dickens points out, we touch both light and dark. We feel the heat of the sun, and the chill of the wind. We see the rain fall on the good and the bad. And out of the death of winter, before the dry of summer, we see new life.
Just like, despite all the up and downs that these words I am battling with hold, enveloped between our joy and our sorrow, there is truth.
So while I may not have all the answers or all the understanding, or even the ability to articulate the concepts that these powerful words carry. I know they are powerful. I know, now more than ever, that a statement like, forgive, encompasses so much more than these seven letters alone could ever describe.
Not one of these words can be lived out with only partial effort.
Family, love, church, community; these words demand grace, they demand forgiveness, for without grace, without forgiveness, they cease to function.
And without God. For without Him, these words would be empty in my life; too difficult to achieve, and the truth they carry, too impossible to discern.
So, despite being a girl who doesn’t have all the answers, nor the words to express the many complexities these words carry,
Despite all the extremities and uncertainties,
I see spring. I see new life.
I choose to cultivate grace and forgiveness,
Because everyone of those words are worth fighting for,
New life is always worth fighting for.